I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
We have started to decorate penises.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
