just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
