he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
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