wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
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