Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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