my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
