answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
