the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
