Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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