Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
