as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
