at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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