My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
