i wish my penis had a tongue
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
