so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
