I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
