I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
