Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
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