You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
