Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
