I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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