So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
