I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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