You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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