i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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