got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
