arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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