Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
This is my life. Enjoy the view
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
