Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I am midnight drunk by noon
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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