Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.