thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
