I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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