seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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