I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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