My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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