Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
