I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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