i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
