he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
