Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Dicks are not precious.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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