We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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