His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
