I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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