Ambien. No doubt about it.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
