WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
