jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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