my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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