shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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