Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Randomize
