I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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