I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
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After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
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Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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