so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
