I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
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