So drunk its hurt
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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