Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Randomize
