i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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