2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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